Lady in my mind.

there was something about being a woman that always fascinated me. I would look at all those beautiful woman and admire them. I wished I had hair like that, I wish i could have their confidence. woman always seemed so happy.I always wanted to be a beautiful woman. I was 13 and that was the only thing I ever wanted. By the time I was 20, the passion was reaching at its peak I was not sure where did the beauty spring from but it seemed like I was not getting anywhere near the beauty lake.I wanted to be a woman and in my head it only corresponded with great looks. Do not get me wrong, I do not mean beautiful woman, I meant woman who thought they were beautiful. woman who felt they were beautiful. I wanted to feel that.


From a girl to a woman, I am still not sure if I will ever become one. If i will ever find that beautiful woman. I always thought of woman as a character from Chekhov's short story 'The Bet'. A woman with long curly hair, sliding back , lost in her thoughts! I wanted to be that woman. It was always comforting to know that one day, one day in future I might be that . I might be able to see that character in myself.

Now I stare at myself, sometimes I feel bad for the mirror, the amount of time I spend looking at it. Trying to find the sketch of that woman. I see my curly hair and keep thinking, did Chekhov have this in mind
Are we all supposed to have long hair, are we all supposed to be beautiful woman, are we all supposed to happy being a woman.

This is very abstract. Well it is supposed to be abstract. It was in my head and I tried painting and this was the outcome.