The moment one thinks of coming up with something new, its like a rain that drenches you completely . You do not where to start from and where to head to , you know there is something in you that need to be told to the world and somehow you try looking for one of these tiny support system that would be there even if you go wrong.
One of these moments of my life, when I am sure I have solved the greatest mystery of my life: What exactly to do with my life. And I am waiting for this person to call me back so that I can discuss it. Its weird cos I really want someone to hear it , I don not know why I need such support , but I am too scared to lose the grip as though am falling out of the normal routine , or the fact that no one would be able to understand it.
I am still waiting for the reply and I am disgusted to the core, not with the person but with myself. Thinking how can I let a person ruin everything for me? Is it true that not everything in life is sweet? One has to lose a lot before one finally finds oneself. Did everyone go through it or am I just hallucinating. I guess this is called the holy moment which would survive for few hours; it would drain every atom of energy I have and leave me with an empty feeling making me feel like a perfect idiotic person tomorrow.
Since I am getting desperate for the reply, my other half has started talking to me. Is it true that all great ppl end up alone with no one to listen to them but years after they die some idiotic person trying to understand their theory for which they give up everything. Am I even capable of thinking such stuff? I am not sure whether it was brave of them to do such a thing but am so sure it was not so easy. Strange but we humans have justification for everything in life, everything. I remember being told hat family and friends are the ones that ruin a person. I abhorred such ideas but maybe it’s the fact that the ‘I’ never ever had the guts to do things which she wanted to do. Or maybe I too have been this part of the family and friend who prevented someone else from doing a thing which the ‘I’ wanted t do. It’s like we are always trying to find a reason for why ‘I’ can not be the genius. Strange how we spent hours on just thinking about why we are so normal . Funny , the only moment we think; we spent it on justifying why exactly we are losers. Did these great people even had brains or people were too complacent to question them. Or maybe( maybe is one of the terms that still let me believe that I can make mistakes) nobody ever wanted to think. And the people who think are the ones who are condemned.
No trace of a reply , it feels awful , because I thought someone would be interested to hear it . But then comes the dirty question .Why did I even think such thing . why would anyone want to hear me or anyone, its not like am gonna reveal the truth or clarify regarding whether there is god or not. Forget God , am not even sure whether I even exist. But I did, and I have a strong feeling would always do. Is it wrong to look for a support , does it show my weakness or the fact that my ideas need to approved. Did Galileo think like this , would have thought if he was 21 years old!( am just getting too good at giving excuses)
This reply was important cos I wanted to discuss a movie scene! One has to discuss it to relive a whole new world . Discuss it to hear oneself , discuss it to just to prove how strongly one believes in it. But I guess I ll discuss it here:
SCENE 1: A man aged 90 is sitting outside his house at a temperature -30 degree celsuis. He is suffering from a disease where he does not remember anything and he is declared to be eccentric. He was considered to be one of the finest mathematicians of his time. He is writing a work, his daughter comes to him and he tells her how he has come up with this great work. She takes the notebook.
SCENE II – she is telling her sister , how she has come up with a theory. Nobody believes her , they all tell her that she is stealing hr dad’s work . her friend tells her that he ‘ll look at the work and tell her if the work even make sense. She enters eccentricity.
SCENE III The guy friend comes back and tells her that her theory was right. It can not be his work cos it is math which is still not developed, something her father would have never known and thus its her work . she looks at him and says you all have been trying to get a PHD , all you can ever come up with will be some re wording of the some others work . You can never think . Someone else did and that person needed your approval to prove that it was a true work.
Was touched by these words: that’s exactly what I was trying to do, come up with works , with big words, names and ideas. Always of someone else, never of my own. Would be a mediocre who ll just champion the causes of mediocrity, trying to justify god why exactly he made things the way it is. Ill be either the ‘guy friend’ or the ‘eccentric woman’. I stopped thinking after that. Cos my head aches . and when it aches it really aches bad.
No reply and no reply becomes the status of this paper. The test of writing this which I would never written . do not wanna read it but I know it will have doubts of a lot of people. Just doubts, insecurities and feelings. That’s the only thing we can write without reason . rest all is ‘REASON’.
This no reply made me write , something which I dread the most . I remember reading ‘ trainspotting’ and laughing at the author . I could never understand him but according to greeny he was great. So I ahd to read cos he was great . and I somehow derived happiness from the fact that I had to struggle so much to understand him . what was so special about him that I had to had to understand him . But that mad man gives me the courage to write , maybe nobody would understand , nobody would like to hear it maybe! Or maybe everone would eventually get it , people would love it , everybody would be all ears.
I rememeber sitting outside my home and trying to discuss life with greeny and she comes up with this question : which somehow started this whole chain of thoughts :
Gregory Mendel came up with the theory of chromosomes , there was this another scientist who was the greatest scientist of that time. He never let Mendel come up with his work. Years after, Mendel’s work was discovered and it was proved right and the other scientist was eventually proved wrong.
WHO WOULD YOU WANT TO BE : SOMEONE WHO WAS FAMOUS ALL THEIR LIFE AND LATER PROVED WRONG OR SOMEONE WHO NEVER RECEIVED HIS GLORY BUT WAS PROVED RIGHT LATER…………………
I AM STILL THINKING……………………………
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