4/11/09

this is what 'human bondage' made me feel

If you reason and then act then it gives you pleasure but if you go against reason and think from your heart, it would give you pain.
Spinoza

When one is in love, one really acts dumb. And according to my best friend it is perfectly normal and to be more precise one gets some humor in one’s life. I am not sure of that line but that one thing is sure is that one becomes a source of humour for your friends. I would love to call it as love , but we all are aware of it that it take ages to fall in love and seconds to fall in trap, so I too am a victim of that trap.

Its so humiliating the way one acts, or maybe people who know you can really take advantage of you, but nothing stops one from being so stupid.

I remember reading ‘Human Bondage’. I hated that passages where there was mention of Mildred, I just could not go further. I mean the character ‘Philip’ was so vulnerable and so true. One could relate with him and feel so pathetic about one self. We all have acted that way once in our lives and I personally think that if one has not, then one has not lived life. Maybe he was right when he says that he can’t help acting like that. It was degrading; it was humiliating that I was so ashamed that I was reading it. I remember where Philip tries to reason his action and he was not able to make any logic out of it. Also the fact that Maugham keeps on brining the character ‘Mildred’ again and again back. He keeps on torturing Philip and worse he enjoys and relives the whole pain again and again.
He has the perfect woman who can give him love; still he prefers the one that he would only give him pain. Even Mildred does the same; she keeps on opting for the guys who would never love her. She never cares for Philip even though she knows that he really loves her. Maybe it’s like a vicious circle where no one really loves anyone but it’s the feeling that completes you. It’s not about the other person, its how one feels bout oneself while being with them. There was this line where he says that after getting her, he feels repulsive when he finally has control over her, he feels nothing! No amount of logic would ever solve it. And the best part was that the author never promised that Mildred would not return!
I remember through out the book while reading I kept on wishing that Philip would not encounter Mildred ever again, cos I knew from the bottom of my heart , that he would lose all his guards. His life would be toppled upside down and again he would be on the roads.
The only people I loved in the novel was Cronshaw and Cilfton , both of them were beautifully destroyed in the story . I am sure Maugham would have given a lot of time thinking about the death these great souls deserved. I personally think souls like these do not have right to exist cos they would not change a thing but would make the human feel miserable about themselves.
If people ever lived for themselves or for the sake of life , we would not have ended this way , but that exactly was Maugham’s point . There was no meaning about life. One did not have spent to ages trying to understand it. It was like the Persian rug that cronshaw had gifted Philip, it had different patterns and all these patterns just added spice to life. The colours of the rug were the emotions of life. One could darken it or make it beautiful but
Its emotions only that can show you all the colours of life. You cant pick your choices , life just gives you and very few survive it.

wish hume had not written so much

The moment one thinks of coming up with something new, its like a rain that drenches you completely . You do not where to start from and where to head to , you know there is something in you that need to be told to the world and somehow you try looking for one of these tiny support system that would be there even if you go wrong.
One of these moments of my life, when I am sure I have solved the greatest mystery of my life: What exactly to do with my life. And I am waiting for this person to call me back so that I can discuss it. Its weird cos I really want someone to hear it , I don not know why I need such support , but I am too scared to lose the grip as though am falling out of the normal routine , or the fact that no one would be able to understand it.
I am still waiting for the reply and I am disgusted to the core, not with the person but with myself. Thinking how can I let a person ruin everything for me? Is it true that not everything in life is sweet? One has to lose a lot before one finally finds oneself. Did everyone go through it or am I just hallucinating. I guess this is called the holy moment which would survive for few hours; it would drain every atom of energy I have and leave me with an empty feeling making me feel like a perfect idiotic person tomorrow.
Since I am getting desperate for the reply, my other half has started talking to me. Is it true that all great ppl end up alone with no one to listen to them but years after they die some idiotic person trying to understand their theory for which they give up everything. Am I even capable of thinking such stuff? I am not sure whether it was brave of them to do such a thing but am so sure it was not so easy. Strange but we humans have justification for everything in life, everything. I remember being told hat family and friends are the ones that ruin a person. I abhorred such ideas but maybe it’s the fact that the ‘I’ never ever had the guts to do things which she wanted to do. Or maybe I too have been this part of the family and friend who prevented someone else from doing a thing which the ‘I’ wanted t do. It’s like we are always trying to find a reason for why ‘I’ can not be the genius. Strange how we spent hours on just thinking about why we are so normal . Funny , the only moment we think; we spent it on justifying why exactly we are losers. Did these great people even had brains or people were too complacent to question them. Or maybe( maybe is one of the terms that still let me believe that I can make mistakes) nobody ever wanted to think. And the people who think are the ones who are condemned.
No trace of a reply , it feels awful , because I thought someone would be interested to hear it . But then comes the dirty question .Why did I even think such thing . why would anyone want to hear me or anyone, its not like am gonna reveal the truth or clarify regarding whether there is god or not. Forget God , am not even sure whether I even exist. But I did, and I have a strong feeling would always do. Is it wrong to look for a support , does it show my weakness or the fact that my ideas need to approved. Did Galileo think like this , would have thought if he was 21 years old!( am just getting too good at giving excuses)
This reply was important cos I wanted to discuss a movie scene! One has to discuss it to relive a whole new world . Discuss it to hear oneself , discuss it to just to prove how strongly one believes in it. But I guess I ll discuss it here:

SCENE 1: A man aged 90 is sitting outside his house at a temperature -30 degree celsuis. He is suffering from a disease where he does not remember anything and he is declared to be eccentric. He was considered to be one of the finest mathematicians of his time. He is writing a work, his daughter comes to him and he tells her how he has come up with this great work. She takes the notebook.
SCENE II – she is telling her sister , how she has come up with a theory. Nobody believes her , they all tell her that she is stealing hr dad’s work . her friend tells her that he ‘ll look at the work and tell her if the work even make sense. She enters eccentricity.
SCENE III The guy friend comes back and tells her that her theory was right. It can not be his work cos it is math which is still not developed, something her father would have never known and thus its her work . she looks at him and says you all have been trying to get a PHD , all you can ever come up with will be some re wording of the some others work . You can never think . Someone else did and that person needed your approval to prove that it was a true work.
Was touched by these words: that’s exactly what I was trying to do, come up with works , with big words, names and ideas. Always of someone else, never of my own. Would be a mediocre who ll just champion the causes of mediocrity, trying to justify god why exactly he made things the way it is. Ill be either the ‘guy friend’ or the ‘eccentric woman’. I stopped thinking after that. Cos my head aches . and when it aches it really aches bad.
No reply and no reply becomes the status of this paper. The test of writing this which I would never written . do not wanna read it but I know it will have doubts of a lot of people. Just doubts, insecurities and feelings. That’s the only thing we can write without reason . rest all is ‘REASON’.
This no reply made me write , something which I dread the most . I remember reading ‘ trainspotting’ and laughing at the author . I could never understand him but according to greeny he was great. So I ahd to read cos he was great . and I somehow derived happiness from the fact that I had to struggle so much to understand him . what was so special about him that I had to had to understand him . But that mad man gives me the courage to write , maybe nobody would understand , nobody would like to hear it maybe! Or maybe everone would eventually get it , people would love it , everybody would be all ears.

I rememeber sitting outside my home and trying to discuss life with greeny and she comes up with this question : which somehow started this whole chain of thoughts :
Gregory Mendel came up with the theory of chromosomes , there was this another scientist who was the greatest scientist of that time. He never let Mendel come up with his work. Years after, Mendel’s work was discovered and it was proved right and the other scientist was eventually proved wrong.

WHO WOULD YOU WANT TO BE : SOMEONE WHO WAS FAMOUS ALL THEIR LIFE AND LATER PROVED WRONG OR SOMEONE WHO NEVER RECEIVED HIS GLORY BUT WAS PROVED RIGHT LATER…………………
I AM STILL THINKING……………………………